Life in a Plateau

For almost a year now, it seems my life is meaningless.  I tried every area on how to improve my life but it seems I am in a plateau.  Even my spiritual life as a pastors seems to get meaningless.  It seems I am at a lost again.  I really wonder the meaning of life for me.

Recently, I took the challenge of teaching in ATS.  I enjoyed my class a lot.  But still I am not able to find what I am looking for in life.  Church work seems not challenging for me anymore.  There were times that I am tempted to quit as a pastor since it seems I am already a liability rather than an asset to the ministry.

I have observed my attention span has decreased a lot.  I cannot focus on anything.  Even my prayer time is chaotic since so many things pops up while I am praying.  I am trying to put my prayer life in order but it seems I really do need a lot of work.  It seems the Lord has been too quiet to me or it has been too loud that I am not able to hear Him well.

I still wanted to do so many things for the Lord, but I am not doing it.  I wonder what really hinders or bothers me.  I know there is something wrong but it seems I cannot discern what is it all about.  There are still so many other opportunities knocking at my door but I seems I would fail them because I am not the same person they knew in the past.

So many things in life I get bored easily.  Am I undergoing through midlife crisis once again?  Is my depression recurring?  I hope not.  My mind seems to be always confused.  I had my check-up and it seems everything fine as of the moment but I am always bothered with my health status.

For the past few weeks, I have intentionally been using so many encouraging reminders to other people but in reality I was actually reminding myself intentionally about those stuffs.  I wanted to declare my God Almighty and His role in my life.

Maybe I am not really ready for the task ahead.  God is continuing to teach me new stuffs in life that will be beneficial in the future.  But these are still maybe(s), hunches without basis.  I really wonder about my life.  It seems so sad and pathetic but there are time that I am so blessed and happy.  The happiness is being overshadowed by my sadness.  Weird...

There are still lot of work to be done, and it seems I have exhausted all means and has reached the walls of life.  Someone said, if doors are closed, God opens windows.  But it seems even the windows are closed for me.

I do not know what I want in my life.  All I know I have become lazy in all things.  Am I not enjoying life the way God structured it.  Am I self-pitying?  or life just sucks!

In the final analysis - what do you think life really is?